Since I’ve been home from Costa Rica in Iowa… Everything has changed. I have changed. My town has changed. Even, my parents treat me differently. Now, what is changing: my friends.
My friends are going in many different directions without the slightest of indications as to when I will see them again. Many have graduated and have future plans for other things. Others are This is good, but it is also bad. Good from the aspect that I want to see them all happy, doing something they love. However, this is bad for me because I’m stuck here with the possibility of never seeing them again as they go off in their many directions. When I mean “stuck here.” I mean, stuck here temporarily until I can leave for good like they are. Off on an epic journey into the sunset, trying hard not to look back. Although I’ve had glimpses and instances, nothing has been realized… yet.
Three of my good… no, my best friends are hard to reach now. One currently resides in Kansas City, another is in Des Moines waiting to hopefully go to Americorps, while the other joined the marine corps. During this break, I’ve had the lucky pleasure of indulging in a visit from the last, while seeing the middle some as well. I can’t tell you how good it was to see and hear from both of them. It was especially true with the last. I hadn’t seen him for over 1/2 a year. In reality, it became almost too habitual how much I saw him. I was starting to think he was here for good, and now he is leaving in minutes. Which is why it leaves me here. Here, in a world of confusion and dillusion, I stand waiting for my turn. My turn to show the world that I’m worth that much. My turn to show them all that I turn like clockwork, spin upside down, and rotate the earth upon a superior’s summoning. It’s been everlong…
It’s scary when life stares you down, forces you to swallow your emotions, and tell one of your best friends to enjoy their journey and that you will always be by their side. It is the hardest thing. As much as you want to sit back and scream from your lungs: “DON’T GO! I NEED YOU!” You can’t. You can’t, because deep down, from the bowels of your existence, you respect and love them. I mean that in the most brotherly sense I could ever perpetrate from my bitter words.
So, here I am. World still in my hands, waiting. All is not lost, friends are all not gone. However, it does feel a lot more empty than it had. When my first good friend, the one I just mentioned, left me around April. It wasn’t that long before I left. So, in doing so, I missed him but with great promise for a future. I was with another of my buddy’s, from KC now. Then, he move on after the trip to Poland. Later, I met my other friend from the China trip. Now, he is living elsewhere as well.
It’s been a lot of change to deal with, and I’m surprised it hasn’t caught up to me…. yet…. yet. Now, as I stare down those empty streets, they seem a lot less busy. A lot less busy knowing there are some solid individuals who are going elsewhere with their lives. They are making something of themselves. They are doing what I had to do for myself after I graduated. They did what I did when this blog was only in its infancy. I applaud them for going out there. I really do. Regardless of it is here, domestic, international, it does not matter. I applaud them for having visions and dreams for something better and sticking to it. That is what life is about, and that is something to live and die for.
But where does this all leave me. Well, I’m still here in this town. I’m going to take classes because I want better for myself, as well. I’m going to try and obtain a minor or major potentially in TESOL with the hopes of traveling and working abroad. It’s a pipe dream and subject to change. However, it’s a plan for now. I still have a lot of people to talk with, and I know it’s not going to be easy figuring out. However, I feel good about this direction. I just can’t be happy going along with my major in Political Science or Public Administration: Human Resource Development. I wouldn’t mind the latter, but the former, it is all too much now for me. Politics have a tendency of burning you out after years of intense interest.
Where do I see myself? Hopefully, I will be living in Spain doing teaching abroad, that is my plan. I can only hope that this will become reality. However, only time can tell. It’s a big step. A step that will require me to leave much behind, but with gaining a lot for the future.
Well the night grows restless, my body aches, and tomorrow brings new hope. I can’t wallow in what has been, but must rest my mind and body for what will be.
Ryan, god speed my friend, will miss you so very much in times like these. I think I finally feel what it feels like to really be growing up. I think this is what it is all about, not just the job aspect. You have to leave behind a lot of good and move on first.
I just pray for god to continually give me guidance and show me my future life even moreso.
